What started as a friendly visit to Poland quickly escalated into a full-scale reconnaissance mission across Central Europe, as our intrepid podcaster Tom systematically infiltrated former Nazi bunkers, secret
Soviet nuclear facilities, and medieval fortresses—all while maintaining plausible deniability through the clever disguise of “tourism.”
Key Strategic Accomplishments
Phase 1: Polish Infiltration
– Operational Codename: “Meeting Parallel Mike”
– Successfully breached Polish airspace via Wrocław (pronounced “Votslav” for maximum confusion)
– Immediately conducted reconnaissance run through Polish mountains to assess terrain
– Discovered critical intelligence: Czech border security consists of vibes and an honor system
– Documented evidence of Deutschland’s greatest defeat: having their border markers passive-aggressively modified with a single carved line (D → P)
– Casualty Report: Zero. Several beers consumed across enemy lines.
Phase 2: Nuclear Assets Reconnaissance
Casually stumbled upon Facility 3001, Poland’s “definitely not on any maps” nuclear bunker that:
– Could house 1600 nuclear warheads (for casual storage purposes)
– Was only known by 12 people in Poland (now 13, thanks Tom)
– Cost 68.3 million zloty (approximately 17 billion pierogi)
– Was discovered by Allies because someone built a 400m running track in the middle of nowhere operational security: 0/10
– Current status: Prison overflow parking, then museum. Because nothing says “family fun day” like decommissioned WMD storage.
Phase 3: Castle Assault
Malbork Castle Siege Assessment:
– Size: 52 acres (4× Windsor Castle, because Poland doesn’t do things halfway)
– Historical Occupancy: 3,000 knights (local HOA fees must have been insane)
– Heating Innovation: Medieval climate control via “burn wood, heat rocks, open floor vents, profit” system
– Environmental impact score: smoke/comfort = surprisingly good – Defense Rating: Walls angled so you literally cannot hide from being
shot with arrows (medieval “git gud” architecture)
– Symbolic Wildlife: Pelicans stabbing themselves to feed their young (metal as hell, 10/10 would use in Christian metaphor again)
Phase 4: South Tyrol Liberation
Entered the most passive-aggressive region in Europe where:
– Italy and Austria had a custody battle over German-speaking people
– Citizens were given the choice: “Abandon your culture for fascism OR move to Nazi Germany” (worst choose Your Own Adventure ever)
– Every sign is in German AND Italian (because spite is bilingual)
– Current Status: Everyone still speaking German preferably, Italian begrudgingly
Phase 5: Mining Intelligence Gathering
Präbichl Copper Mine Deep Dive:
– Operational Period: Bronze Age to 1970s (longest employment contract in history)
– Progress Rate (pre-gunpowder): 5.4 feet per month per crew (modern construction workers weeping)
– Lighting Technology: Burning acetylene (carbide lamps) because “comfort” hadn’t been invented yet
– Ambient Smell Score: 11/10
– Water Clarity: So clear you can’t see it exists (nature’s camouflage)
– Avalanche Defense: 1500-meter wall built BY HAND because medieval people were built different
Tactical Observations
Food Intelligence:
– Italian food quality remains at “unfairly delicious” levels
– Strategic consumption successful across multiple regions
Weather Warfare:
– Successfully survived South Tyrolean snow assault
– Deployed sauna and cold plunge countermeasures
– Morale: Excellent
Cultural Infiltration:
– Third successful “meet internet friend at airport in foreign country” operation
– Previous campaigns: Africa, Northern Canada
– Success rate: 100% (no kidnappings yet)
Strategic Conclusions
1. Jogged across an international border multiple times
2. Toured a secret nuclear facility that prisoners now sleep in
3. Learned that medieval pelicans were hardcore
4. Discovered that Germans are so efficient they’ll carve one line to flip off another country forever
5. Confirmed that Polish mountain air + Czech beer = solid reconnaissance protocol
6. Witnessed engineering that makes modern construction look like we’ve given up as a species
Threat Assessment for Future Operations
Recommended Next Target “The Balkans”: Based on the pattern of visiting places where:
– Borders are suggestions
– Nuclear weapons were casually stored
– Food is suspiciously good
– Historical grudges are architecturally preserved
“Competent Man Podcast: Where accidentally discovering state secrets is just another Tuesday.”
🙏 SPECIAL THANKS: Parallel Mike for the incredible Polish tour and local expertise!
What location should I visit next? Drop suggestions in the comments! 👇
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